Saturday, December 24, 2005

It was written in 1843, after all...

After pulling out my small copy of A Christmas Carol for yesterday's title quote, I continued reading on a bit for the pure enjoyment of the writing. Came to the part where Marley tells Scrooge to expect his visitors on each subsequent night (it is 2:00 a.m. at this point). Scrooge awakes to hear twelve chimes on the clock and is disoriented by the sense of going backwards or far forwards in time:

“Why, it isn’t possible,” said Scrooge, “That I can have slept through a whole day and far into another night. It isn’t possible that anything has happened to the sun, and this is twelve at noon!”

The idea being an alarming one, he scrambled out of bed, and groped his way to the window. He was obliged to rub the frost off with the sleeve of his dressing gown before he could see anything; and could see very little then. All he could make out was, that it was still very foggy and extremely colkd, and that there was no noise of people running to and fro, and making a great stir, as there unquestionably would have been if night had beaten off bright day, and taken possession of the world. This was a great relief because “three days after sight of this First of Exchange pay to Mr. Ebenezer Scrooge or his order,” and so forth, would have become a mere United States’ security if there were no days to count by.

Wow! Slam! Right out of nowhere with that one! Well, who’s your daddy now, Ebenezer?

Moments of aroused chauvinistic patriotism aside, I’m quite happy that A Christmas Carol is out there as one of the seasonal classics. First of all, and most importantly for a holiday story, it can scare the crap out of you as a kid (which it did) and features no less than three speaking parts for ghosts. (TGOCF doesn’t speak…remember?) It stands relatively alone in the field of holiday fiction in its use of the macabre to make a point. The Nightmare Before Christmas now possibly running a close second.

Then there's a whole gamut of family and extended family vignettes: young Ebenezer left at school for the holiday break; the classic office party at Fezziwig’s where we can imagine Ebenezer’s friend Dick dropping trousers and climbing up on the printing press to leave an amusingly inked holiday impression for the Monday morning crew; the lighthouse keepers celebrating alone with grog, song, and companionship; that insufferably cheery nephew’s party (take me away from this, o Spirit!), and – at the heart of it -- the threadbare Cratchit household which is quite depressing if you pay attention to the details. Almost the whole economic scale there.

I believe I’ve read somewhere that Dickens didn’t ‘do’ aristocracy, and their absence in A Christmas Carol is pretty telling. Instead at the very brink of the most cheerful Hallmark moment scene of syrup and sweet, The Ghost of Christmas Present pulls back his robe to reveal two small children:

They were a boy and girl. Yellow, meager, ragged, scowling, wolfish; but prostrate, too, in their humility. Where graceful youth should have filled their features out, and touched them with its freshest tints, a stale and shriveled hand, like that of age, had pinched, and twisted them, and pulled them into shreds. Where angels might have sat enthroned, devils lurked, and glared out menacing. No change, no degradation, no perversion of humanity, in any grade, through all the mysteries of wonderful creation, has monsters half so horrible and dread.

Scrooge started back, appalled. Having them shown to him in this way, he tried to say that were fine children, but the words choked themselves, rather than be parties to a lie of such enormous magnitude.

“Spirit! Are they yours?” Scrooge could say no more.

“They are Man’s,” said the Spirit, looking down upon them. “And they cling to me, appealing from their fathers. This boy is Ignorance. This girl is Want. Beware them both, and all of their degree, but most of all beware this boy, for on his brow I see that written which is Doom, unless the writing be erased. Deny it!” cried the Spirit, stretching out its hand toward the city. “Slander those who tell it ye! Admit it for your factious purposes, and make it worse! And bide the end!”

Recommended quick read: John Nichols on “The Rebel Jesus”, Commondreams.org.

***

The other great thing about A Christmas Carol is that it has loaned itself to endless variations and parody over the years. I've seen the lot, but have a special fondness for the Jim Backus-voiced version with the song about Razzle-Berry Dressing:

"Oh Ebenezer, you've done it again!"

(From DVD Movie Guide)

and the WKRP one with the brownie-wielding Dr. Johnny Fever as the Ghost of Christmas Future:

Johnny Ghost: Bailey runs a television station in Chicago. Travis is breeding guard dogs in New Mexico. Venus owns a clothing company called "Upwardly Mobile." Jennifer married and bought herself an entire island off the coast of Sardinia. Les Nessman? The Republican whip of the United States Senate!
Mr Carlson: What about you and me? Fever and me?
Johnny Ghost: Well, Fever just sort of ... disappeared. There were rumours, of course, but really not much else.
Mr Carlson: And me? No no, don't tell me, I don't want to know. I'm dead, aren't I?

But this year, after seeing a Lifetime channel ad for some piece of fluff with a soccer mom over-extending her cellphone bill and not having enough 'face' time for the kids (I may be extrapolating on this plotline, but I'll bet I'm close...) called "A Carol's Christmas" I decided to ignore any more Dickensian tributes, homages, parodies, rip-offs and such.

Then I visited Generic Mugwump...

Now whatever little 'thing' the Duke De Mondo has going for Conor Oberst's fringe (yeah, I finally found that essay), it pales in comparison to the torch his otherwise-sensible friend Aaron Fleming keeps lit for Jeff Fahey.

It is a dark world where highways intersect with crash cymbals, and large portraits of varicose-veined eyes line the sky. Fayhey and his guide reintegrate beside a flaming Porcupine having sex with Bodger, this is indeed a mad world. As Fayhey stands looking at the chaos surrounding him, alphabet spaghetti starts to rain down from the sky. “What is the meaning of all this?” he asks the feedback. “Well,” it replies, “this is what will happen if you continue with this propensity to miss classic films at Christmas.”

And from this morning's visit to obtain these last few links, I see that the Uncle Duke De Mondo has had a change of heart and given us a Holiday themed Mondo Podcast #14.

Why, that even beats of bowl of razzle-berry dressing!

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

"I awoke in California, many miles from Spancil Hill"

The last of my Euros is paying for a bit of time online, but I'm coming home tomorrow and will repay all the kind visits from Brownie, Count Screwloose, Guy Wonders and others.

My 72 hours in Dublin can't rival the Duke De Mondo's, but a last minute inspiration and a good (new) friend got me to the Phil Lynott statue. Pictures may not be the best, but they were taken.

All in all, a fantastic trip.

More to follow.

Sunday, December 11, 2005

"For Dublin keeps on changin'

and nothing seems the same"

Well DAMN, but isn't Smithfield the wi-fi hotspot these days? When someone like me -- who has only been visiting for the last few years -- can tell that things are not what they were, you know that we're moving at a rapid pace.

I'd call it the South of Market of Dublin, but it is on the Northside, where I've spent the entire day today.

The lone ice-skating rink that was my landmark to the Cobblestone is now a full-blown Christmas Carnival and community meeting point. Buildings that weren't there last year...or indeed, when I went into the bar for a drink...are crowding the skyline. And any Bay Area realtor will tell you that these babies ain't cheap.


(Photo thieved from www.sherryfitz.ie)

Part of it must be that Luas Red Line running down
Jervis Street. And every passing train I see is filled to the gills with townbound and homebound shoppers.

Also along the Luas line, an internet cafe that has just knocked the Grafton Street internet cafe out of first place in the "most hip and functioning Internet Cafe ever" competition that I run for my own benefit. And the Grafton Street joint held that title for three years running.

The only disappointment is that my Saturday night entertainment would have been much improved if I had found the energy to get over here last night. For, at the Cobblestone, Leo Kelly, one of the members of my new enthusiam Tir na nOg (Good Lord! To have missed it by that much!) packed the back room at the Cobblestone. Tonight Grada does much the same. On New Year's Eve, New York City band The Prodigals will be in the house, and that's pretty fine because I caught them a few years ago too on Third Avenue and they play a hard and fast set. Indeed, one of their songs is partly responsible for me always choosing Baggot Street for my hotel when I'm in town.

So. Yeah. Smithfield! Not too bad at all...

Sinbad the Sailor and Tinbad the Tailor

James Joyce & Ulysses exhibition at the National Library

I didn't allow myself enough time to properly enjoy this unexpected pleasure, but they had to chase me out at Closing.

Not surprisingly, there's a great virtual tour online linked above. The Exhibit itself was one of the best uses of interactive computers and scanned images that allowed visitors to 'turn the pages' of manuscripts including Joyce's Paris-Pola Commonplace Book, two of the notebooks Joyce kept while constructing Ulysses, working drafts of the novel, and the novel itself.

Highlights for me were the recreation of the shopfront of Shakespeare and Company; an interactive family tree of the various publishers and editions of the novel; another recreation combining elements from different apartments in Zurich, Trieste, and Paris (loved the books piled on the floor and everywhere!); and -- naturally -- the small traditional display of sheet music and theatrical posters of the time which illustrated the source material for allusions and imagery.

And, indeed, there on a playbill for a Pantomine (!) of Sinbad the Sailor, you read down the cast of characters and see

Sinbad the Sailor
Tinbad the Tailor
etc...

Which naturally flips up the memory of:

Sinbad the Sailor and Tinbad the Tailor and Jinbad the Jailer and Whinbad the Whaler and Ninbad the Nailer and Finbad the Failer and Binbad the Bailer and Pinbad the Pailer and Minbad the Mailer and Hinbad the Hailer and Rinbad the Railer and Dinbad the Kailer and Vinbad the Quailer and Linbad the Yailer and Xinbad the Phthailer. (U 17.2320-8)

"Dude!" I wanted to grab the guy standing next to me. "It's from a pantomine! I've just seen a pantomine! I got it now! It's totally popular culture, isn't it?"

I did manage to muffle my American enthusiasm at chipping away one more chunk of cultural ignorance, and I may have missed other little treats such as that in my haste to see the entire thing before closing. So I plan to spend time online at the link above.

Saturday, December 10, 2005

With apologies to Kate Bush, Emily Bronte,

Cathay Airlines* and possibly even LHR, which wasn't too bad again today.

Terminal Nights**

Up in the wiley, windy skies
I'd soar and fly in blue
You were the airport for my connection
So big. So crazy.
How could you fail me
When I need to get past you?
I hated you. I loathed you, too

Ice storms in the night
They told me I was going to miss my flight***
Stuck behind in Terminal, Terminal, Terminal Nights

Heathrow, it's me Cathay
Going home. I'm so cold!
Let me land-on-your runway
Heathrow, it's me Cathay
Going home. I'm so cold!
Let me land-on-your runway

Ooh you take Pounds! You take Euros too
At the coffee bar by the loo
I eat some junk. I buy some junk
At Terminal Two
I'm getting bored, love****
Cruel Heathrow, my one stop
My only option....

Too long a line out of sight
I'm checking my passport twice, and hold it tight
I'm spending time in Terminal, Terminal, Terminal Nights

Heathrow, it's me Cathay
Going home. I'm so cold!
Let me land-on-your runway
Heathrow, it's me Cathay
Going home. I'm so cold!
Let me land-on-your runway

Ooh! Let me have it
Let me grab that food voucher***** away
Ooh! Let me have it
Let me grab that food voucher away

Heathrow, it's me Cathay
Going home. I'm so cold!
Let me land-on-your runway
Heathrow, it's me Cathay
Going home. I'm so cold!
Let me land-on-your runway

Heathrow, it's me Cathay
Going home. I'm so cold!
Let me land-on-your runway
Heathrow, it's me Cathay
Going home. I'm so cold!



*which may not fly through LHR, but too good of a name to pass up...
**Briefly considered "Londoning Nights" because of the sound-alike parody value. But it's a pretty silly, meaningless word isn't it?
***This actually happened in Frankfurt, but I wouldn't put it past Heathrow either.
****Actually composed in ten minutes' time at Gate 90. I wanted to post it up right there for the justice of the moment, but the Heathrow Internet access points have Blogger.com blocked for -- and I quote -- "Excessive porn content." They need to check that last newsagent stand before the Aer Lingus gates if they're worried about such things!
*****When your flight is delayed, they'll give you a food voucher for about £8. Can't buy alcohol with it, and you've probably got a pocket of Euros which Heathrow will accept unless -- wait for it -- you are using a food voucher.

Friday, December 09, 2005

A hotel room of one's own

waits for me at the end of the hall to the left.

To my right, an airport hotel bar filled with twenty-somethings putting the moves on each other to the pumping beat of Madonna's Get Into the Groove.

Outside, a sky holding a half moon and the trails of airline flights departing for all corners of the globe. Mine will depart for Dublin tomorrow for the long weekend of vacation after a week of work.

And I think Roger will agree with me when I say:

Virgin Megastore at Piccadilly Circus in the City
It's alright It's alright...

Thursday, December 08, 2005

"I fell in love with you before the second show"

There's a 1994 album called If I Were a Carpenter which features the leading young bands of the time taking on Richard and Karen's catalogue. A list of the various artists reads like a roster of yesterday's hitmakers: Cracker, 4 Non Blondes, The Cranberries, Shonen Knife...and on track 3 Sonic Youth with Superstar. With an embalmed vocal scraping away at the claustrophobic space of the lyrics and a guitar that slowly breaks down into careening noise by the third verse, it goes:

Don’t you remember you told me you loved me baby
You said you’d be coming back this way again baby
Baby, baby, baby, baby, oh, baby, I love you I really do

Loneliness is a such a sad affair
And I can hardly wait to be with you again

What to say to make you come again
Come back to me again

It ends with a sound effect that sounds like a shot. I've never checked on whether there was an intended subtext, but I can't hear this version of the song without thinking 'Dakota' or 'gun' or 'I'm your biggest fan.'

Twenty five years on, I did not expect I would find myself here in England for this particular anniversary. I didn't think I would have Liverpool in-laws or that I would have lost a close member of my own family to violent crime. Has any of this given me any insight? Not much, but I do think when the train sweeps by a long, depressed area of industrial decay or when I share a pint at the local pub with a life ruined by a lifetime of diminishing opportunities and expectations, I may just have a glimpse at what was going on when John Lennon added -- let's go ahead and say screamed -- the lyrics "I want to be Free" to Barrett Strong's Motown hit Money.

But twenty five years ago, I was watching Sunset Boulevard on a local television station when the news broke. That is, I watched up to the scene where Norma Desmond throws a grand New Years Eve party for her screenwriter turned sulky lover Joe Gillis. After that, I was listening to the radio, along with everyone else awake in America.

Much later I realized that the myth from Hollywood and the news from New York City that night were telling me two sides of the same dark, hungry story. Norma, crazed into murder by the fading glow of stardom leaving her, becomes a metaphor for the thing that is at the heart of the matter at hand. For behind the blinding hot spotlight of Los Angeles or the dark stage doors of the Dakota, there is that thing that wants fame. And when fame does not come, it will accept notoriety.

Celebrity and fame are bigger than ever these days. It would be too easy for me to blame that, but I can't. Or to castigate the ordinary person who devotes themselves to a jukebox hero. But it is a false argument. Many people survive the intense thrall of fandom and look back in rueful affection on their earlier phases. Others learned early to recognize the borders, where fandom becomes something a little less wholesome. One Take That fan recalled her days of loyalty in yesterday's Guardian:

Hailing from their hometown we enjoyed elevated status, but fans the world over made the pilgrimage to Manchester. They sneaked hallowed pebbles from the dirty pavements into their handbags, they graffitied the walls, they consumed the world's supply of Kodak film, they left lipsticked, scented love letters. The hierarchy was split in two; between "cravens" (ie screamers, the worst of the bunch) and those diehard followers who were actually known to the band and need not, therefore, scream. The latter category included Lisa-from-Burnage, Blonde Streaks, Emma'n'Karen (unbearably cool by virtue of being 17), and Alex-from-Germany who had relocated to Manchester, swapping her life for her love of Mark Owen.

To meet Robbie, though, you had to venture beyond the M62 to Stoke-on-Trent, and brave the risk (much rumoured) of Rob throwing buckets of water on fans, swearing at them and other such unimaginable horrors.

"Do me a favour, babe," grimaced Robbie one fine day as I melted into the pavement. "Get yourself home safely now."

Oh my God, "Rob" called me a babe! Could it have been my sparkley silver eyeshadow from Superdrug, now smudged across my face, or perhaps my favourite £6.99 green leggings, or the two highlights in my hair that were intentionally of a sophisticated deep maroon colour but somehow washed to a frizzed out ginga?

The world of a groupie is indeed a sad one. It takes place in liminal spaces: airport lounges, hotel lobbies, football sidelines, deserted city centre streets at four in the morning long after the concert is over, your head still hurting from all the screaming. It is the life of an outsider standing in the dark, looking into brightly lit chandeliered rooms.

The hardcore fans even ventured as far afield as London for the Brit Awards, the Smash Hits Poll Winners' Party, for (what was supposed to be) their final concert at Earls Court. They were the kids who would wait the longest, wait even though they knew TT wouldn't turn up, they were yearning to be part of a "group", emptying their pockets to fill their hearts.

Anoushka's mum was "a right old bitch who battered her" and her dad "couldn't give a fuck about her" but "Markie" apparently did. Whenever the word came out to "go home now, girls," she would desperately not want to.

At this point, it might be occurring to you that this entry has been written by someone running an unofficial fansite and a blog shamelessly devoted to all sorts of fan musings on a variety of things. I thought I'd be writing mostly about the irony of that. I thought I'd have to write and say "I have no neat conclusion for these observations." I also thought I'd write about my antipathy to ask for autographs, which looks like it dates from about that year. Even that time-honoured exchange between star and fan, which Lennon was willing to perform again after five years of staying far away from fame's glow, feels intrusive for me. Actually I don't know what I thought I'd write about. But twenty five years ago the night I spent grieving next to the radio was a night also spent writing page after page of bewildered rage in my sketchbook journal, and so it seemed only fitting that I write something tonight.

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

"It's Behind You!"

After a dull newsday yesterday, I spent the evening at the Four Chestnuts leafing through the day's tabloids and garnishing tidbits of interest that I am dying to share! Here's just a preview: Bono and the Pope. Bono and Justin Timberlake. David Cameron and Morrisey (Its just shocking too. Scandelous).

And I'm also working on a longer, more thoughtful piece for this week.

But not tonight! I apologize for the sparsity of news and there won't be any until tomorrow.

Tonight I'll be in (Jack) Worthing, watching Puss in Boots which, though described as a pantomime, I have been assured it will have lines and speaking and not too much white pancake makeup. From what I've heard, I should enjoy myself.

"Oh no you won't!"

Sunday, December 04, 2005

"She's got it. Yeah baby, she's got it..."

A couple of years back at a friend's house for a BBQ, the women of the party decided to camp out in the rec room while the men grunted and postured around the Weber in a contest to see which one of them would invent fire. After driving the kids away from their gameplayers, we ladies decided to pop in a video of The Wedding Singer, which I hadn't seen.

It kicked off with a full-on shot of Adam Sandler in a narrow lapelled blue jacket, Johnny Cash coal-black hair standing up under a can and a half of mousse, and the world's skinniest black tie.

Then he started singing You Spin Me Round by Dead or Alive.

A dizzying thrill which was equal parts repulsion and the-years-drop-away attraction went right through me. I suppose you learn you've entered the long period of middle age, the first time you look back on a fashion once worn to strut and stalk the world's pleasures (day-glo fishnets, rosary beads as necklaces, acid-wash jeans, Members Only leather jackets, or, say, crushed velvet elephant loon pants) and you think "Did we wear that?"

And sometimes you think "Did we listen to that?" And with You Spin Me Round, we did. We don't need to annotate those lyrics or develop a fansite for it; we don't even think we own a copy. But we are not going whitewash our musical past by denying that the song -- during its brief moment of glory -- got the job done, just as it does in the Adam Sandler movie. You listened, you danced, you made eyes at the rest of the neon-lit crowd and you had a good time. And if the next song was Bananarama's Venus...well, you kept dancing.

Until yesterday, I had no idea that this wave of disposable pop that flooded the charts of the eighties had a backstory. But it does, and it makes for a wild read!

Right round. Like a record, baby
Right round round round


Return of the Hitmen

Initially, the trio specialised in a pop take on "hi-NRG", the electronic dance music that soundtracked early 80s gay clubs. Indeed, they were so closely associated with the gay scene that on their first meeting, Dead Or Alive frontman Pete Burns automatically assumed that Waterman was homosexual. Says Waterman: "I wore a red leather suit with a white stripe down the side, my hair was green and blue, and I had a great big golden ear stud. When Pete Burns came in, he thought Mike and Matt were my boys and I was the madam."

Despite the confusion, Dead Or Alive's spectacular You Spin Me Round (Like A Record) was Stock Aitken Waterman's first number one. The trio claim its success sparked their war with the press and the music industry. The press were horrified by their autocratic style of making records ("If you get too friendly with an artist," counsels Stock, "the next thing you know, they'll be asking to do their vocals again or change the lyrics or something") and their refusal to countenance anything other than low-budget pop aimed at an audience they proudly described in 1990 as "ordinary people with Woolworth ears". According to Waterman, the industry was "intimidated because we were independent, we had our own studios in south London, we started our own label [PWL] when no one would sign Kylie Minogue".

It's hard to tell how bothered the trio were by the constant criticism. They can quote 20-year-old reviews, deliver word-for-word accounts of conversations with record company bosses who dismissed Bananarama's 1986 hit Venus. Aitken points out that their 1989 version of Do They Know It's Christmas? has been quietly erased from Band Aid's history by Bob Geldof, Midge Ure et al: "The bastards." Waterman starts telling a story about Sonia's record label publicly disowning her first number one, You'll Never Stop Me Loving You (1989), and works himself into such a froth that he ends up comparing the chirpy scouse songbird to Jesus: "Please don't get me wrong, but it was like trying to deny you knew Christ when the cock crows."

And yet they positively ooze belligerent self-confidence. "We did a record with this band called Brilliant," remembers Waterman, "the reviews were phenomenal and it got to 58 in the charts. I remember saying to the guys, fuck that for critically-acclaimed music, you can't pay the fucking rent with that."


More at the link. And worth the read.

"The Long and Winding Road"

In every pub discussion, in every chat at a Brighton flea-market stall, in the radio, in the newspapers, on the television and under the awning waiting for the rain to stop; this was the story yesterday.

Tears and rain mingle as Belfast's beloved son makes his final journey

Sean O'Hagan joins a nation in mourning at a sombre, respectful and heartfelt tribute
Sunday December 4, 2005
The Observer

It rained. And then, it rained some more. Belfast rain, drizzly and relentless, falling down over the city and its countless steeples, and the hills beyond. And yet they came in their tens of thousands, lining the streets of Cregagh in east Belfast, the Knockbreda dual carriageway, the rainswept roads around Stormont Castle, and the long sweep that is Prince of Wales' Avenue from the ornate gates to the steps of the parliament building.

They came from Belfast, and Northern Ireland, and from over the border, and across the sea. And though they applauded as the cortege passed, and threw flowers, and turned several sites in the city into impromptu shrines, the event that many had thought would teeter into showbiz artifice, and a collective outpouring of grief, somehow not quite real, was, in fact, the opposite: sombre, respectful, heartfelt. Even in death, then, George Best surprised us.

I think the only parallel in American sport would be the funeral of baseball legend Babe Ruth:

At 8:01 P.M., on August 16, 1948, the Babe passed away. He was fifty-three years old. He lay in state in "the House That Ruth Built" for 2 days as more than 200,000 paid last respects. Grieving fathers held up their sons and daughters for one final look.

Three days later the funeral was held at St. Patrick's Cathedral. There were tens of thousands in the streets outside and tens of thousands more lined the funeral cortege route. At the funeral, Ruth's old teammates were pallbearer. Claire Ruth, Babe's widow, lived on at their apartment at 100 Riverside Drive for another 28 years until her death.

In contrast, Joe DiMaggio's funeral had been quiet, but he is well loved at Lefty O'Doul's on Geary and -- in my opinion -- we should rename the local corporate poker chip that is our ballpark after him.

A bit more on George Best:

Eriksson sheds a tear for Best

England manager Sven-Goran Eriksson wept for George Best in Belfast.
As thousands stood in the pouring rain outside Parliament buildings during the football legend's funeral service, the England coach admitted afterwards the heavy emotion of it all had become a little too much.

He said: "I have never been to a funeral like that before. It was beautiful and George and his family got the respect he deserved. It was fantastic... Yes, I shed a few tears myself."


International Football Hall of Fame

Saturday, December 03, 2005

Rumble in Brighton Tonight

Just thought I'd write up an open post to the Duke De Mondo (and perhaps Simon of No Rock&Roll Fun who won't like it one bit) that I have just purchased

Motion Sickness, Bright Eyes
Down in Albion, Babyshambles
Capture/Release, The Rakes

All found at Rounder Records, The Lanes, Brighton. Rounder listed Capture/Release as its personal pick for #2 album of the year. I wasn't too sold on Bright Eyes until I saw the song When the President Talks to God. Down in Albion has received good reviews from other quarters, so there you are: the Mondo Irelando podcasts have made a significant impact on my music purchases to date.

Speaking of Brighton, have met up with a fellow business traveler who was home for a visit from his new digs in Spain. His name is Harry, which is easily remembered because I keep stifling the desire to sing Ray Davies' Harry Rag in his honor.

We started talking about -- what else -- music and he proudly recounted how he had a police record for a long-ago weekend in Brighton back in the days of the Mods and Rockers.

Me: Oh hey! Like Quadrophenia.
Harry: It was brilliant!
Me: Okay. I have to guess if you were a Mod or a Rocker.
(Quick furtive look at hairline, clothing...no clues there.)
Me: A Rocker?
Harry: No! I was a Mod!
Me: Look, you just told me that one of your life goals was to drive a Ford Mustang through the streets of San Francisco. That's something a rocker would want to do. And you knew your classic American cars. That's all I had to go on.
Harry: Nah...not me. Madras jackets, winkle-pickers, the lot.

And so on. Last night, Harry told me about a great three piece blues band down at the Fountain. So we had to go check it out. When they launched into John Mayall's All Your Lovin, Harry and I exchanged looks that said "Not bad, huh?" At the break the musicians stopped by our table, which had grown to a party of six, and we somehow got into a comparative discussion of Gary Moore and Rory Gallagher. "Rory," said the lead guitarist of the trio, "Rory was the pure thing."

And who could disagree?

I left Harry and the others to enjoy the music til closing time. Tonight I'll be solo at the Festival Theatre, but that's the music news so far from Brighton.

Thursday, December 01, 2005

The Lonesome Boatman

All at Sea

The basic facts are these: Irish Ferries, which runs ships between Britain and Ireland, wants rid of 543 of its workers. It wants to replace them with cheaper workers, mainly from eastern Europe, and for pretty obvious reasons, the existing workers, and those concerned with the import of cheap labour from overseas, do not think it is such a great idea. The security guards were smuggled on board the ships to make sure that the handover to the new, cheaper crew went smoothly.

This conflict is rather more than a little local difficulty. Questions have been asked in the Irish parliament and a national day of protest is planned. There are dire warnings from trade unions that the dispute could ruin almost 20 years of good industrial relations. There are growing fears that the dispute could have implications for the shipping industry across Europe, perhaps even for land-based industry too. And there is more at stake than 543 jobs: this may spell the end for that most traditional, and romantic, of British workers - the ordinary merchant seaman.

One of the officers holed up in the engine control room of the 34,000-tonne Isle of Inishmore is 46-year-old marine engineering officer John Curry. He went into the engine room to protect the ship from supposed attack; he has stayed in protest at what was actually going on. "This is not just about us and our jobs," says the father of four, speaking to the Guardian from the engine room on a mobile phone. "It's much wider than that. If this company is allowed to get rid of its workers in one fell swoop, then what's going to stop other countries across Europe doing the same?"


Typed up at the Cyber Cafe - Southsea near Portsmouth. Not to be confused with Southsea which is not near Portsmouth. Because the one is pronounced Sow'see with both syllables carrying the same weight and the other is SOWZzy with the first syllable in the lead. See? No confusion whatsoever between the two should exist. (But thank god the taxi driver checked.)

Visitors from these shores to California have my permission to pronounce tortilla as if it rhymed with Godzilla, and I shall smile politely and not make comment. Offer expires on January 1, 2006.

Wednesday, November 30, 2005

"My thoughts I confess, verge on dirty"

It took less than four hours from wheels hitting runway to find myself listening to Come on Eileen on a store music stream for what will not be the first time.

On Edit: Now listening to Bohemian Rhapsody. Apparently there's a musical at Dominion Theatre, Tottenham Court Road, London, W1.

The time is the future, in a place that was once called Earth. Globalisation is complete!

Everywhere, the kids watch the same movies, wear the same fashions and think the same thoughts.

It's a safe, happy, Ga Ga world. Unless you're a rebel. Unless you want to Rock. On Planet Mall all musical instruments are banned. The Company Computers generate the tunes and everybody downloads them. It is an age of Boy Bands and of Girl Bands. Of Boy and Girl Bands. Of Girl Bands with a couple of boys in them that look like girls anyway. Nothing is left to chance, hits are scheduled years in advance.

Caught in a landslide, no escape from reality


Goodness! How distopian.

Still, my Friday nite plans aren't firm, so this one is on the list. If only so it can be bumped by something else.

22 Grand Job in the City

Heathrow gets passing marks today, I'm amazed to say. Still remodelling those long labyrinthine hallways of theirs, but the lines were short and the baggage appeared unmolested by its travels. A young rock band was checking in behind me. Two guitar cases, a drum kit and a keyboard. They aren't too famous, because no screaming groupies greeted us at arrivals. They also aren't EU citizens because I spent time with them in the Passport line. Just a young group travelling and getting a few gigs on the way.

But Virgin is looking a little shopworn these days. Not as free with the online refreshments as before. And I miss the "Think Pink" radio stream with Jackie Clune.

The town is now a 'university' town, and there's the new movie theatre/bowling alley shopping complex to explore. Went into an MVC and Johnny and June were singing about Going to Jackson, which I'll accept as a good omen. Still: no copy of The Rakes. My taxi driver was a Hawkwind fan and his kids can't stand his taste in music. We had a great talk about everything including politics, media, the sorry state of the world and -- naturally -- music.

Off to check the work emails now.

Thursday, November 24, 2005

75mg: a new album from the Duke De Mondo

I honestly don't know how people close to him can stand the Duke De Mondo.

To be in any real-time proximity must be wearing as all hell.

First there's the writing. His seven-part series 72 Hours Raw in Dublin was like a Red Bull and cigarette-fueled collaboration between Jack Kerouac and Patrick McCabe holed up in the Talbot Street Comfort Inn with nothing but Shane MacGowan and Pete Doherty songs on the mp3 playlist. When I first read it, I actually thought I was encountering someone with decades of writing experience behind him. Not so.

Then there's the website, linked above. One guestbook visitor said "My favorite amateur website ever." It does read a little dark on my own workstation screen, but that screen may be a thing of the past now, so whatever. The design, layout and graphics are -- again -- something you'd expect from someone with years of experience. And it is loaded with essays and rants, sound files and pictures, and god knows what else. I haven't even visited the Asia Extreme section.

And then there's the podcasts. Here, for the first time, we have a chance to hear the early forays of inexperience. Mondo Irelando Podcasts 1 through 3 are worth a listen and probably hold up against 95% of the other podcasts out there. Also, my drop-jawed admiration for anyone who would play a Charles Manson composition (indeed creeping out the audience with the actual recording of Manson singing it) and then follow it with one of their own songs! But I'm getting ahead of the story.

With Podcast 4, there's something more that gets started. And the way that he handled "the following program contains obscene language that may be inappropriate for some listeners" in Podcast 6 should have Stan Freberg crawling out of the grave and dragging his bones to Belfast just to shake the Duke's hand. Podcast 13: brilliant. Simply brilliant.

I've got the gap between Podcast 8 to 12 to cover, and there's apparently a Podcast 14 on its way.

Okay. What else? He's some sort of bigwig at www.blogcritics.org.(The Bubba Ho-Tep review picked at random there.)

And on top of that...he's a songwriter. Because none of that other stuff is apparently enough.

I mean: damn!

I came on this with 120 Removed (April Songs), which I thought was a breakup album with his muse Sinead. Indeed, I still haven't figured that one out, but the first song "I Do Believe You Are the Devil" seemed to be the cathartic release of inviting your buddies over and trashing some poor person from a past relationship. The lyrics described the sort of thing people in San Francisco will pay top dollar for in certain Folsom Street establishments:

I do believe you are the devil,
Got me bent naked for the lash,
Those 120 days of Sodom heading up this way,
Twisting and writhing in the ash.


I'd been listening to buckets of Nick Cave at the time, so I wasn't immediately impressed. Did appreciate the Soggy Bottom Boys chorus of the other guys in the background.

But then there was Chicks Dig Whinin.' "Ah HA!" I thought. I just knew this would be some misogynistic piece of male superiority laughing at female sentiments that I could download and post to the good ladies of Guerilla Girls, who would, in turn, administer a post-feminist cyber-pounding on his ass. But the song did not play out as expected. Instead, it revealed an understanding of female psychology that I'm not too pleased to know is in the hands of the opposite side in this eternal battle of the sexes we've all got going on.

Taken as advice, the song could help a lot of guys get a lot of action:

Chicks dig whinin’, this I know,
Their sympathetic eyes say so,
And whispering to friends – “It’s true,
Man, he’s so cute when he’s so blue”

Chicks dig guys who fantasise,
Bout helping dry her weeping eyes,
And guys who choke on hateful lies,
“I’m sorry! I apologise!”

Chicks dig songs bout loneliness,
And songs bout life that sound like death,
And pausing for to catch my breath…
And cough the shit from out my chest

Chicks dig talk of Jesus from a fella’s not a preacher,
Just some fool left to make sense of senselessness,
And all my senses,
They are dragging me towards her and I’m scared I’ll never reach her,
Chicks dig weary resignated sighs…
Chicks dig when a man can’t help but cry


And it is sung to the tune of Jesus Loves Me. Again: brilliant. Just brilliant.

But he's got a new album out now, and all that's going to happen is everyone who is already a slavering online fan of his hyper-creative output is just going to download it and praise it and pass it along to their friends. (I haven't had a chance yet, but the one track on Mondo Irelando Podcast 13 was pretty damn good.)

What he needs is some new, impartial listeners. Listeners steeped in the full five decades of rock music and not easily swayed by clever graphics or streams of prose. I believe a few Horslips fans should get in there and make their opinions known, certainly, but I encourage any and all to check out 75 mg.

There! Thank God that's finished. It makes me tired just writing about him.

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

Did you know that Van Morrison wrote a song about Heathrow Airport?

For Roger H and Peter S: so it's a work-related post!

Heathrow Shuffle

Ba-ba-doo-day, ba-ba-doo-day, ba-ba-doo-day
Ba-ba-doo-day, ba-ba-doo-day, ba-ba-doo-day
Ba-ba-doo-day, ba-ba-doo-day, ba-ba-doo-day
Heathrow shuffle, Heathrow shuffle, yeah
Ba-ba-doo-day
Heathrow shuffle, Heathrow shuffle, yeah
Ba-ba-doo-day
Gotta go to Heathrow, gotta go to Heathrow, yeah
Ba-ba-doo-day


Okay. I could have written that! Maybe it's the way Van sings it.

But there you are, Roger and Peter: can't wait to be the Virgil to your Dantes as we descend to the ninth circle of baggage check!

Saturday, November 19, 2005

"The Duchess, so charming.

Does she share your passion for organic farming?"

When last we left the dynamic royal duo, they were but two degrees of separation away from my coworker. And one of those degrees was via the Guerneville leather community.

Me: Well! Go on. As the Pink Ladies said to Sandy "Tell me more. Tell me more."
Coworker: Okay. Now Saturday was the Russian River Mr Leather competition. And I was Judge's Boy.
Me: I know that you've put in a great deal of community work on this. Well done.
Coworker: But the M.C. was Donna Sachet.
Me: Who?
Coworker: Donna Sachet is the 30th Empress of San Francisco.
Me: Ah! I see. Royalty.
Coworker: She was elected as Empress in 1995.
Me: Now that's the way to run a monarchy!

"Her Majesty is a pretty nice girl

but she doesn't have a lot to say."

(From Donna Sachet's own site, linked above.)

Coworker: And Donna and I sat together at the evening's awards dinner.
Me: Because protocal dictates that Judge's Boy sits to the right of the Empress of San Francisco.
Coworker: Exactly. And we were having a great time discussing things, but Donna needed to make it an early evening so she could get back to the City for her next social engagement.
Me: And that was?
Coworker: Escorting Prince Charles to see Beach Blanket Babylon.

I let this significant chain of events soak in. (I'm quite pleased with that 'chain' metaphor, by the way.) I was deeply impressed. But I rallied.

Me: Oh good! Perhaps she'll give him some fashion and accessorizing tips to pass along to his mother.
Coworker: I'm going back to my desk.

Now Beach Blanket Babylon is just the sort of thing that the rest of America deplores about the Bay Area. We even offended Hollywood with it! I suppose it is our combination of scenery, weather, fantastic restaurants, and an all-embracing liberal ethos for life's pleasures -- and the 'pains' we take to get those pleasures -- that makes San Francisco the target of others' ire and poorly-masked inadequacies. (Yes, I AM looking right at you Bill O'Reilly. Anything happens to Coit Tower and you are going to find yourself waking up with a crowd around you. That last name buys you nothing with Gavin Newsom. Or me.)

Me: Rambling again, aren't I?
Coworker: Yes, but it was worth it for the Bill O'Reilly swipe.
Me: He's a bastard! But go on.
Coworker: They say that the design of Coit Tower is based on the nozzle of a fireman's hose.
Me: Do they really?



Me: Oh Yes. I see that now. Was there a particular fireman they had in mind?
Coworker: So anyway, I'm sure that there's been some coverage of Charles and Camilla at the show.
Me: I'll check.

From the Contra Costa Times:

Outside Club Fugazi, a red carpet and patient paparazzi. Inside, spines are straight. Language is proper. There is no denim in sight. It feels like a European city, not an American one.

Dressed in suits and sequins, San Francisco's glitterati is on its best behavior, laughing a little harder at a show they've seen dozens of times. This San Francisco institution is the longest running musical in history, and even the prince's mum likes it.

A rosy-cheeked Prince of Wales, dressed in a navy suit and seated next to his wife, Camilla, leans forward, grins, and asks a local dignitary, "How many times have you seen this show?" The prince knows: This is the place to bring visiting heads of state.

And when a show can be tailored to tickle even the most royal funny bone, why not? In tonight's journey to find her prince, Snow White is escorted by a French-prostitute-Italian-waitress-Jewish-yenta who introduces her to celebs of the past decade.

Enter Hillary Clinton, dressed as the Statue of Liberty in a 2008 presidential campaign and gripping a larger-than-life bottle of Viagra for her hubby, Bill, who's busy flirting with anything that moves.

Outdated, yes, but roars ensue regardless. It is safe to laugh. When weapons of mass destruction or Scooter Libby's career come up, the laughs are thinner, more hesitant. The closest we get to current politics lands Snow White in "gay" Paris, where a flamboyant Louis XIV in a Pepto-pink wig croons, "I'm still a twosome/Thanks to Gavin Newsom."


And indeed, there's a new page on the Beach Blanket site with photos of the royal visit. They take ages to load. But if you click on it, you'll enjoy the site of Prince Charles and King Louis XIV sharing the stage.

Tuesday, November 08, 2005

"But it’s my destiny to be the King of Pain"

At work on Monday, the mood is hectic. But my co-worker and I still found a chance to talk about the weekend's big visit:

Co-worker: Do you wanna play 'Degrees of Separation' with Charles and Camilla?
Me: Sure, I'm two degrees.
Co-worker: I'm one!
Me: YOU MET THEM?!?

My disgust mingled with impressed envy. Is that possible?

Co-worker: Ah..no. Guess it is TWO then.
Me: Well yes. It's always ONE from anyone. Otherwise, they are YOU. But what's your 'two'? I'm sure it's better than mine.
Co-Worker: Well...you know that this last weekend was Leather Weekend in Guerneville...
Me: It's already way better than mine...

And with that, our potential new employee showed up for his interview, and I couldn't very well say "Go on, my fellow office-mate. Tell me how the Guerneville Leather Community puts in two degrees of separation from your good self and Prince Charles..."

to be continued

Saturday, November 05, 2005

Well, there's gonna be a freaker's ball.

Tonight at the Freaker's Hall.

And you know you're invited one and all...

Quite a bit of news escaped me in the last few days. I was dimly aware that Bono's recent lunchtime partner had added Charles and Camilla to his dining agenda as well. And I respected their trip to Louisiana, which may do some good:

Despite the inconvenience the visit caused to the recovering city, some residents said it was worthwhile.

Mary Prinz, 66, said she had thanked Charles "for coming and giving us some publicity. We need people to come down here and see how bad it is. Maybe the senators and congressmen from up north will come down now that he's led the way."

Charles and Camilla also went to the Cathedral Academy, a Catholic school in the French Quarter.

They were greeted by singing students, one of whom appeared confused about where Charles was from. "Is there a map around here so I could show him where England is?" Charles asked. None was easily available.

But what absolutely took me by surprise was the headline on the Marin IJ that greeted me on Friday:

West Marin Revved Up For Royals

Fred, a carrot-eating, 15-year-old pug dog that hangs out at the Old Western Saloon in Point Reyes Station, might have a date to meet the Prince of Wales.

Well, that's one of the rumors floating around the community in anticipation of a visit from Prince Charles and Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall, who will be spending time at the town's organic farmers market Saturday.

"He is supposed to come over here for a pint or something; he wants to go into an old saloon, and he is interested in meeting our pug," said Kathy "Yummy" Sparling, who tends bar at the Old Western Saloon.

Which means, at this very moment, my county is hosting the visit! But it gets creepier:

The couple later were flying to San Francisco, where their tour is due to end Tuesday. On the royal duo's California itinerary is a stop in Bolinas, an outpost of artists, farmers and vintage hippies perched on the tip of a peninsula jutting into the Pacific Ocean, about 30 miles north of San Francisco.

But the couple shouldn't expect too much fanfare. A few days before the planned visit, the seaside village was mellow, from the sun sliding over the silk-smooth surface of the Bolinas Lagoon to the affable yellow dog stretched out on the floor of Smiley's Schooner Saloon, a local landmark.

"I've got a British flag somewhere," said Smiley's owner, Don Deane, as he mused over what to do in honor of the royal entourage. "I may fly that if I can find it."

I interviewed for a job with Don Deane! (He also runs the town newspaper.) If the royal couple stop by Smileys (And why wouldn't they? They seem to have the Old Western Saloon in the sites! Never too far from a pint are they?) then it is just going to be two degrees of separation between me and the Prince of Wales. And that's three degrees of separation between me and a whole lot of mess I don't want to think about!

Whatever could have possibly attracted Charles and Camilla to the Bay Area?

In Berkeley, it was the same scene witnessed in West Marin all week, a flurry of activity to primp and shine in time for an aristocratic inspection. Daria Curtis was one of many volunteers hauling around wheelbarrows and raking up leaves on Friday in preparation for the arrival of the Prince and the Duchess.

"We don't usually have volunteer days on weekdays. We usually have them on weekends," Curtis told KCBS reporter Janice Wright as she raked the one-acre garden and kitchen classroom created by renowned chef Alice Waters to promote healthy eating habits among school kids.

The rain had them running a little behind schedule.

"We're especially working on the more prominent paths, the things that are going to be more visible," Curtis said.

The school plans to give the couple a hands-on demonstration of the same organic farming techniques the kids learn.

"We're going to build a compost pile," said Curtis, "and we're going to process some of the amaranth and lemon verbena that we've harvested."

Building a compost pile. It's just a life of 24/7 glitz and glamour with the royals, isn't it?

But apparently, this is indeed the draw:

Bolinas has to be taken on its own terms: "You've got what you've got," said organic farmer Dennis Dierks, who runs Paradise Valley Produce with his wife, Sandy.

Bolinas' thriving organic scene is what attracted Charles and Camilla.

Oh YEAH…thriving organic scene. Yes indeed! This is how that one’s going to play out: after a visit to the Medical Marijuana Clinic, they’re all going to end up back at Lazer Nightsky’s goat farm, staring up at the vast starry night from the roof of Lazer’s ’77 Chevy van and doing that thing where you say a word over and over until it loses its cognitive meaning [try it with ‘window’next time] and you start giggling because the train of reality has just slipped a little off the tracks and revealed a limitless dimension of possibilities. I mean, if we’ve all just agreed that these sounds -- this ‘window’ -- means what it does...and it could have been any collection of sounds that we picked to mean...well dude! We can just, like, say anything and agree that it means anything we want and there’s nothing really linking the signifier and the signified is there? I mean, beyond our mutual consent, you know? And if we can wrap our minds around that, that’s when we’ll be free of the whole machine. Dig?

The FBI is dancin' with the junkies
All the straights, swingin' with the funkies
Across the floor and up the wall
We're freakin' at the freaker's ball, y'all
We're freakin' at the freaker's ball

Monday, October 31, 2005

Lesbian Vampires in 19th Century Literature*

*"If that don't fetch them, I don't know Arkansaw!" Huckleberry Finn, Mark Twain

My vast blog-reading public: Lesbian vampires! Damn, woman! About time you got around to writing something worth reading!
Me: Glad to oblige. Always good to hear from the both of you.


A few weeks ago, I found myself watching television. That is to say, a few weeks ago, I was baking a double batch of cookies and the proximity of television to our open kitchen meant that I would be exposed to television for the duration of the cookie-baking. Not being particularly fond of television with commercials, I made sufficient noise to control the content of what we would watch. I chose, unwisely, an On Demand movie adaptation of a rather successful franchise of children’s literature known as A Series of Unfortunate Events, starring Jim Carrey. I had read several of these novels – the niece is very fond of them – and they did seem to be the only thing on the YA bookshelves capable of holding their own against the Hogwarts hegemony.

My vast blog-reading public: Cookies? Children’s literature? AMERICAN children’s literature? Where are the lesbian vampires?
Me: They’ll be here. It all ties together.


So there we were watching the movie which was a quick shuffle of the first three novels. And I’ll say this: the sets and costumes were great. But there’s the trouble. When you start praising sets and costumes over plot and acting, you know you’ve found today’s Hollywood.

Jim Carrey had the enviable part of Count Olaf, the dastardly guardian who plots to defraud the Baudelaire orphans of their immense fortune. From his first scene, a sweeping descent of a rickety staircase in a loathsomely decrepit house, Carrey gave it every tic and twitch of evil he could muster. But a half-hour of his smirks and moustache twirling bravado soon wore thin. And he didn't even have a moustache.

My husband: Is this true to the books?
Me: Yeah…it is. Jeez. I guess those books really sucked.


And I had to acknowledge it. The latest installment in children’s villainy was nothing more than a dumbed-down, truncated version of the greatest darkly seductive, inheritance-defrauding rotter of all time: Joseph Sheridan Le Fanu’s Uncle Silas.

Now for those of you who think I get a little fanatical about Horslips; you should have seen me in the height of my J.S. Le Fanu mania. Indeed, the sharp-eyed among you might have noticed how I worked in a plug for Le Fanu on my Horslips site.

It all goes back to when I was twelve and found The Fireside Book of Ghost Stories, edited by Edward Wagenknecht and published by Grosset & Dunlap (New York, 1947) in the parents’ library. Most of the stories were good stuff: haunted galleries, portraits that dripped blood from the frames, possessed rocking horses, abandoned girls’ schools with the friendly ghosts of diphtheria fever victims: all the usual mechanisms of mid-century supernatural fiction. There was one stand-out from Arthur Conan Doyle called The Silver Mirror which related the story of an antique-store acquisition that had recorded the downsizing of Mary Stuart’s secretary at Holyrood Castle.

And then, at twelve mind you, I started reading Madame Crowl’s Ghost by Joseph Sheridan Le Fanu. At the time, I assumed it was set in Louisiana. That really doesn’t matter. If I did a movie of it, I’d probably still set it in Louisiana.

This is exactly how far in the story I got:

"Well, my dear, I came to the side o' the bed, the curtains bein' close, and my heart a'most failed me. But I took courage, and I slips my finger in between the thick curtains, and then my hand. So I waits a bit, but all was still as death. So, softly, softly I draws the curtain, and there, sure enough, I sid before me, stretched out like the painted lady on the tomb-stean in Lexhoe Church, the famous Dame Crowl, of Applewale House. There she was, dressed out. You never sid the like in they days. Satin and silk, and scarlet and green, and gold and pint lace; by Jen! 'twas a sight! A big powdered wig, half as high as herself, was a-top o' her head, and, wow!--was ever such wrinkles?--and her old baggy throat all powdered white, and her cheeks rouged, and mouse-skin eyebrows, that Mrs. Wyvern used to stick on, and there she lay proud and stark, wi' a pair o' clocked silk hose on, and heels to her shoon as tall as nine-pins. Lawk! But her nose was crooked and thin, and half the whites o' her eyes was open. She used to stand, dressed as she was, gigglin' and dribblin' before the lookin'-glass, wi' a fan in her hand and a big nosegay in her bodice. Her wrinkled little hands was stretched down by her sides, and such long nails, all cut into points, I never sid in my days. Could it even a bin the fashion for grit fowk to wear their fingernails so?

"Well, I think ye'd a-bin frightened yourself if ye'd a sid such a sight. I couldn't let go the curtain, nor move an inch, nor take my eyes off her; my very heart stood still. And in an instant she opens her eyes and up she sits, and spins herself round, and down wi' her, wi' a clack on her two tall heels on the floor, facin' me, ogglin' in my face wi' her two great glassy eyes, and a wicked simper wi' her wrinkled lips, and lang fause teeth.

"Well, a corpse is a natural thing; but this was the dreadfullest sight I ever sid. She had her fingers straight out pointin' at me, and her back was crooked, round again wi' age. Says she:

"'Ye little limb! what for did ye say I killed the boy? I'll tickle ye till ye're stiff!'

"If I'd a thought an instant, I'd a turned about and run. But I couldn't take my eyes off her, and I backed from her as soon as I could; and she came clatterin' after like a thing on wires, with her fingers pointing to my throat, and she makin' all the time a sound with her tongue like zizz-zizz-zizz.


And with that, I dropped the book to the floor and spent the next week sleeping with the light on. It is worth noting that, as far as plot went, nothing supernatural had occurred. Indeed, no act of violence had been committed. But the scene so frightened me at, a sense of uneasiness came over me whenever I flipped past the unfinished pages of that story. I didn’t even read the stories next to it.

Sometime in my mid-thirties, I gave it a second go. And the pay-off of discovering Madame Crowl’s crime was dark and rich and chilling. From there, I read anything of Le Fanu’s I could find.

My vast blog-reading public: Not to rush things, but: vampires? Lady vampires in particular?
Me: You know, you could just google on "lesbian vampires" and get some cheap porn-site from San Fernando Valley.
My vast blog-reading public: I did that while you were going on about Mary Stuart.


Okay. Vampires. There’s Varny the Vampire, a fairly tawdry thing from 1847. And there’s The Vampyre from John Polidori, a runner-up novel in the bet that Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein won.

And then there’s Bram Stoker’s Dracula, from 1897. And if it fell short on lesbian credentials, it still delivered a psycho-sexual vampire kick:

The girl went on her knees, and bent over me, simply gloating. There was a deliberate voluptuousness which was both thrilling and repulsive and as she arched her neck she actually licked her lips like an animal, till I could see in the moonlight the moisture shining on the scarlet lips and on the red tongue as it lapped the sharp white teeth…Then she paused and I could hear the churning sound of her tongue as it liked her teeth and lips, could feel the hot breath on my neck…I could feel the soft, shivering touch of the lips on the super-sensitive skin of my throat, and the hard dents of two sharp teeth, just touching and pausing there. I closed my eyes in a languorous ecstasy and waited – waited with beating heart…

Well, I’ll bet you just did, Jonathan Harker! As Stephen King summed it up in Danse Macabre, his exploration of the craft of horror fiction "In the England of 1897, a girl who ‘went on her knees’ was not the sort of girl you brought home to meet your mother."

But for all these voluptuous predatory women of dark allure, these brides of Dracula -- and let’s not forget that close, loving bond between Lucy Westerna and Mina Murray –- for all that subtext of sexual politics and the male fear of an awakening power and fury in the female of the species: J.S. Le Fanu could say "Been there. Done that. Drove the stake through the T-Shirt."

Bram Stoker’s Dracula was published in 1897, and is foreshadowed by a new century of light and modern psychology. It is a whole quarter of a century earlier, while in seclusion in a house on Merrion Square Dublin, that Joseph Sheridan Le Fanu writes a short story called Carmilla, which was published in a collection of short stories called In A Glass Darkly. A year later, he dies.

And on this night of shadows, Anne Rice better be lighting a candle in Le Fanu’s honor this very moment…

Carmilla wastes no time in setting the mood. Laura, the narrator, is the lonely daughter of a retired civil servant living in minor luxury in a mythic mid-European region called Styria. There is a hint of not belonging, of alienation from the locale and its people: "My father is English, and I bear an English name, although I never saw England. But here, in this lonely and primitive place, where everything is so marvellously cheap, I really don’t see how ever so much more money would at all materially add to our comforts, or even luxuries."

There is an early incident in the nursery, which is a precursor of things to come:

I was not frightened, for I was one of those happy children who are studiously kept in ignorance of ghost stories, of fairy tales, and of all such lore as makes us cover up our heads when the door cracks suddenly, or the flicker of an expiring candle makes the shadow of a bed-post dance upon the wall, nearer to our faces. I was vexed and insulted at finding myself, as I conceived, neglected, and I began to whimper, preparatory to a hearty bout of roaring; when to my surprise, I saw a solemn, but very pretty face looking at me from the side of the bed. It was that of a young lady who was kneeling, with her hands under the coverlet. I looked at her with a kind of pleased wonder, and ceased whimpering. She caressed me with her hands, and lay down beside me on the bed, and drew me towards her, smiling; I felt immediately delightfully soothed, and fell asleep again. I was wakened by a sensation as if two needles ran into my breast very deep at the same moment, and I cried loudly. The lady started back, with her eyes fixed on me, and then slipped down upon the floor, and, as I thought, hid herself under the bed.

I was now for the first time frightened, and I yelled with all my might and main. Nurse, nursery-maid, housekeeper, all came running in, and hearing my story, they made light of it, soothing me all they could meanwhile. But, child as I was, I could perceive that their faces were pale with an unwonted look of anxiety, and I saw them look under the bed, and about the room, and peep under tables and pluck open cupboards; and the housekeeper whispered to the nurse: "Lay your hand along that hollow in the bed; some one did lie there, so sure as you did not; the place is still warm."

Later, as a young woman, Laura is simply dying for friendship. Indeed, she will come very close to dying for friendship. A chance accident on the road leaves a mysterious young woman as an invalid in her house: "I was longing to see and talk to her; and only waiting till the doctor should give me leave. You, who live in towns, can have no idea how great an event the introduction of a new friend is, in such a solitude as surrounded us."

The two girls share an instant bond:

I took her hand as I spoke. I was a little shy, as lonely people are, but the situation made me eloquent, and even bold. She pressed my hand, she laid hers upon it, and her eyes glowed, as, looking hastily into mine, she smiled again, and blushed.
…
"I don’t know which should be most afraid of the other," she said, again smiling—"If you were less pretty I think I should be very much afraid of you, but being as you are, and you and I both so young, I feel only that I have made your acquaintance twelve years ago, and have already a right to your intimacy; at all events it does seem as if we were destined, from our earliest childhood, to be friends. I wonder whether you feel as strangely drawn towards me as I do to you; I have never had a friend—shall I find one now?" She sighed, and her fine dark eyes gazed passionately on me.

And so the friendship between Carmilla and Laura begins:

She used to place her pretty arms about my neck, draw me to her, and laying her cheek to mine, murmur with her lips near my ear, "Dearest, your little heart is wounded; think me not cruel because I obey the irresistible law of my strength and weakness; if your dear heart is wounded, my wild heart bleeds with yours. In the rapture of my enormous humiliation I live in your warm life, and you shall die—die, sweetly die—into mine. I cannot help it; as I draw near to you, you, in your turn, will draw near to others, and learn the rapture of that cruelty, which yet is love; so, for a while, seek to know no more of me and mine, but trust me with all your loving spirit."

And when she had spoken such a rhapsody, she would press me more closely in her trembling embrace, and her lips in soft kisses gently glow upon my cheek.
Her agitations and her language were unintelligible to me.

From these foolish embraces, which were not of very frequent occurrence, I must allow, I used to wish to extricate myself; but my energies seemed to fail me. Her murmured words sounded like a lullaby in my ear, and soothed my resistance into a trance, from which I only seemed to recover myself when she withdrew her arms.
In these mysterious moods I did not like her. I experienced a strange tumultuous excitement that was pleasurable, ever and anon, mingled with a vague sense of fear and disgust. I had no distinct thoughts about her while such scenes lasted, but I was conscious of a love growing into adoration, and also of abhorrence. This I know is paradox, but I can make no other attempt to explain the feeling.

And so it goes:

"And so you were thinking of the night I came here?" she almost whispered. "Are you glad I came?"

"Delighted, dear Carmilla," I answered.

"And you asked for the picture you think like me, to hang in your room," she murmured with a sigh, as she drew her arm closer about my waist, and let her pretty head sink upon my shoulder. "How romantic you are, Carmilla," I said. "Whenever you tell me your story, it will be made up chiefly of some one great romance."

She kissed me silently.

"I am sure, Carmilla, you have been in love; that there is, at this moment, an affair of the heart going on."

"I have been in love with no one, and never shall," she whispered, "unless it should be with you."

How beautiful she looked in the moonlight!

Shy and strange was the look with which she quickly hid her face in my neck and hair, with tumultuous sighs, that seemed almost to sob, and pressed in mine a hand that trembled.

Her soft cheek was glowing against mine. "Darling, darling," she murmured, "I live in you; and you would die for me, I love you so."


Again, I remind you: this is 1872. And written in Merrion Square, Dublin Ireland.

The entire text is here on the online Literature of the Fantastic Library. J. S. Le Fanu’s brief biography is here on Gothic Labyrinth, and here on Kirjasto.Sci.Fi. A bibliography of writings about Le Fanu has been compiled by Gary William Crawford here.

Oh, and by the way: Dracula Blogged.